Let them be real!
December 17, 2006
dlbmrb
I recently wrote a poem for an angel moms group I belong to on line. All of us in this group have lost a child or children. They are of all ages and all kinds of deaths. I sent a copy to Laurie and she suggested I put it on my blog. She felt it helped her to understand how to respond to a grieving parent. I also found a Parents Bill or Rights. I think this is good information for people to have. If you will be around any one who has lost someone close to them this Christmas think about this post. Maybe God will use you to help ease their pain and brighten their day. One of the biggest things I acn say is to listen. No matter how long it has been we all miss our loved ones around the holidays. So if you are with someone let them talk about their loved one. Tell them a story or memory about their loved one. I know here in my house we love to hear Scott stories. It is good for us and yes sometimes we may cry but that is OK. You are not reminding us that Scott is gone. I know many people that have said they do not want to mention him because it will upset us. Please know it is FAR more upsetting when people act like he never existed or change the subject when we talk about him. I pray that this information will help make you more comfortable around the grieving and that God will use you to bless someone that is hurting this Christmas! Here are the poem and Bill of Rights
Let me be real
Please don’t tell me you understand
How can you if you never had to let go of his hand
Don’t say I should move on get on with my life
I know I am still a mother and wife
You just don’t realize how deep the pain goes
How horrible the hurt how severe the blows
When you say I should be happy and smile
I say to you, have you buried your child
A child you thought would be a man
A child who would always take a stand
He stood up for all God said
How can that child be dead
The one who’s smile lit up a room
Is now the memory that encases this tomb
The tomb is my heart full of pain and sorrow
No, at times I really do not care about tomorrow
Please do not tell me he would not want me this way
He is in heaven and does not get a say
So if it bothers you that I am sad
Go hug your children and be glad
Be glad you do not understand
Be glad you can still hold their hand
Be glad you life is moving on
Be glad you still have your precious daughter or son
Do not feel sorry for me
Just try to listen and let me be
The mother who has lost her son
The mother who at times may be undone
I have peace only God can provide
Your job is to be a comfort so I do not hide
All of the pain and loss I feel
Your job is to let me be real
Holiday Bill of Rights for Grieving Parents
************ ***I HAVE THE RIGHT******* *********
I have the right to go from ecstatic to tears in 30 seconds.
I have the right to be excited about going holiday shopping, only to
get there & need to leave because of a panic attack.
I have the right to not be joyful (I say happy)every single moment or day of the
holiday season.
I have the right to not send out Christmas cards.
I have the right to NOT listen to Christmas music when I can’t bear
it.
I have the right to be quiet, continue to grieve my child & be alone
when I need to.
I have the right to choose not to participate in gift exchanges and
holiday celebrations at my place of work, worship, or anywhere else.
I have the right to look for & feel joy & love in the holidays & my
life, just please don’t try & force it on me. I’ll find it on my own.
I have the right to want to buy my child a Christmas present and take
it to the “Angel Park”
(cemetery, site, or other place)
I have the right to buy the present and decide that I can’t bear to
take it to the “Angel Park”
I have the right to get to my family’s house late and leave early.
I have the right to walk outside and get away for a bit of fresh air
when it gets to be too overwhelming.
I have the right to include my child in any activity that I want
without getting the “funny looks”.
I have the right to be angry. (this one is not my favorite but it is true people may be angry)
I have the right to be alone with my child and not have to explain
why I want to be alone.
I have the right to laugh at unexpected times and hug a pillow and
talk to myself when I am remembering.
I have the right to long to have my child back, to have the life I
once had.
I have the right to find a way to honor and remember my child during
the holidays by whatever ritual I feel comfortable with.
I JUST HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ME…
I pray your Christmas is Christ centered and that you truly feel and share the love of Jesus this season.
MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
10 Comments Add your own
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to comments via RSS Feed
1.
Danielle | December 18, 2006 at 10:07 am
Beautiful poem, thanks for sharing it. I’ll be praying for you during this hard season.
2.
Danielle | December 19, 2006 at 9:55 am
You know, the first thing I thought was how much the emotion of your poem reflects the emotion of not just women who’ve lost children, but women who’ve “lost” husbands to divorce and separation due to their husband’s lack of repentance over sin. Donna, I’m sure the Lord will continue to use you to encourage women who’ve suffered all kinds of losses. Keep being real.
3.
Beth Young | December 19, 2006 at 2:59 pm
You’re wonderful and you’re poem is wonderful. No one wants you to not be — you. If I was in your shoes, I can’t say I’d be so real, I’d be fake and then freak out on everyone one day…or every day, I don’t know. Or, I’d write this poem but I wouldn’t be so nice and I’d probably not use nice words either! Maybe, maybe not. Either way, your family is in my prayers. You are a wonderful mother.
4.
staceyhoff | December 19, 2006 at 5:31 pm
I don’t know you yet, but I happened across your blog and just had to comment on this poem. I think it is just great that your are willing to educate us all about how to be encouraging in the best way for parents who have lost a child, and I will be praying. For you and for all parents who have lost a child. I do not personally know except for a miscarriage
( hard enough)what it feels like, but I will never say ‘it’s time to get past it’ to anyone or ever cease to love and encourage women like you who have been through this( are going through this.) Our God is so faithful; I know that he has wrapped His arms around you and he will never let go. Just think, someday you will see your little man again- in Heaven! Thank You, God!! And thanks for giving me much-needed perspective today on my parenting trials. Much Love to you, stacey
5.
Sacha | December 20, 2006 at 11:18 am
I love you Ms. Donna!
6.
zoanna | December 21, 2006 at 9:45 am
Praying for you and thanking you for your “realness” and helping the rest of us know what helps and what hurts worse in our ways to console you and other grieving parents. I CAN identify with how hard it is when people don’t mention him. I think it’s one reason getting together for the holidays with family helps. I know Paul’s family tells Dad/PopPop stories, Mom/Grandmom stories and Gary stories. (I sometimes have to remind Paul on Dec. 8th “Do you know what today is?” and by God’s grace I think the date doesn’t glare at him. “It’s the day your mom died.”) I want him to know I haven’t forgotten. He’s grumpy this year; how can help him? He seldom talks about the root cause but I think he’s depressed. It’s been 20 years since his mom died, 21 since Gary, and 14 since Dad.
7.
Renee | December 27, 2006 at 8:59 am
I enjoy to read your blog that I’m just discovering and I’ll come back because I like to dive into a foreign culture. I’m a Christian French mother and grand mother. My daughter lost her son at birth. I cross stitched his name to adorn the roses on his tiny coffin.
My blog is both in French and English and it’s mainly about the Bible pictured in cross stitch, and other topics too. It would be nice to have your visit and comments. God keep you bless you richly and 2007.
8.
dlbmrb | December 29, 2006 at 10:40 am
Renee,
If you see this please leave your blog site. When I clicked on your name it said your site could not be found.
Thanks for reading mine and for the comment.
Donna
9.
Karen | January 23, 2008 at 12:22 am
those are beautiful. I am going to print them out, with your permission, to have on hand to give out to patients. (I work Newborn but I am also on NICU or high risk OB for some shifts) Those poems really get to the heart matter
10. what do you say to one wh&hellip | March 26, 2008 at 9:38 pm
[...] dear friend Donna writes about this in such an open way regarding her own loss. I encourage you to read her advice [...]