For those of you who do not know.  I have a severe hearing loss.  Aww, you say that explains why she never answers me when I call her name.  Yes that is it, I am really not a snob or that stupid just deaf.  Seriously deaf!  If you would like more details about that just ask.  Just make sure you are looking at me!! HaHa   So the reason for this post is that God in His goodness and care for me has lead me to a place that might be able to help me hear better.  Praise God, I think!  You think, you say?  Isn’t this great news.  Yes it is great news.  I am just feeling a lot of different emotions all at once. 

First let me explain the process.  I have been going to University of Maryland medical center over the past 9 months.  I see Dr. Eiserman a wonderful ENT specialist, actually I think his title is much more impressive than that I just do not have his card in front of me.  I have had a series of different test and operations and it has been determined that I would benefit from a Cochlear Implant.  You can check out the device here www.cochlearamerica.com.  Mike and I went and picked out the device last week.  It cost approximately $30,ooo.oo.  I know!  That is a lot of money. My niece sent me an e-mail that said Hearing aid:30k  Having not to say what 100 times a day: Priceless.  I just love that girl!  Any way we picked it out and it has been ordered.  They are scheduling me a surgery date sometime after January 15,2007.  We wanted to wait until after the holidays etc.  So after the surgery it can take up to 2 years to completely be trained in the device.  The sound it very mechanical at first and my brain needs to learn to adjust.  My poor brain!  I do not know if it is up for this.

Now back to my “I think” statement.  I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions right now.  I have become quite happy in my misery!  People that know me well know that I am out going by nature.  I love to be with people and I love talking!!  So how could I not want to be able to do this again.  I have been so frustrated lately not being able to communicate with people, especially on the phone.  I do have to say I love e-mail.  I feel like I have become very comfortable being by myself.  That is so not like me.  As I explored this further I realized that part of that is because people are hurtful.  Not always on purpose and not most of the people I know.  But I have been hurt deeply since Scott died by peoples comments.  I think I am liking not having to deal with people on a regular bases.  I know that is sad and I know that God needs to heal the hurt.  However I am feeling fearful of this operation because if it is a success that will put me out there again.  I have developed a rather nice protective shell around my heart lately. 

Why am I telling you this?  I guess so you can please pray for me.  I really need God to break through.  My heart is to serve Him however He sees fit. But if I am to be honest I guess it is with in reason. I mean I will serve Him as long as I can keep my distance from those who have hurt me or if I can back out of something because “I can’t hear well enough”.  So there you have it.  My sinful heart open for all to see.  Well not all of my sin just this little piece.  Believe me there is so much more.  So please pray for me!  Thanks! 

First I want to say thank you to everyone that responded to my last post.  Even if you did not comment but prayed for me and my family thank you!  A big thank you to Laurie for her post.  It is nice see any good come from this, mine or someone else’s.  Another big thank you to my niece, Gloria.  she said “And yes you were a good mom to him, you introduced him to God! What greater gift could you have given him?!?”.

That comment brings me to the other part of my post.  Just a thought!  As I reflected on the comment from Glo I began to really think about  what that means.  As a reformed Christian, I know that I had nothing to do with Scott “coming to Christ”  or any other way you want to phrase it.  Only God could draw Scott and only Christ could save him!  I believe that God predestined Scott before the foundation of the earth to be saved and to be His. 

Romans 8-29-30 (ESV)

29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

However when my niece made that statement I thought what Christian mother does not want her child to be saved.  And knowing it really had nothing to do with me I was perplexed for a day or so.  Than God in His great love and mercy whispered to me”But you know where Scott is and you saw him walk with me”.  I felt my heart fill with peace and joy at that thought.  By being the mom God called me to be I was able to see my son walk through very real tragedy and difficulty.  I was able to see him get to the other side and to love the Lord with all of his mind ,heart,and soul.  I saw him lay down his own pleasure’s, one of those being the love of this life his girlfriend for God.  I saw him cry over that but stand firm in what God had called him to.  Not to be in a relationship at that point and to remain pure for Christ.  I saw him lead his friends and be there for them.  I heard him speak into my life and my husbands life with a wisdom far above his age.  I know that I might be painting an unrealistic picture of a 17 year old.  I will be the first to tell you that Scott was an obnoxious pain in the butt at times.  He was a typical teen in that he was moody and could be very difficult to be around.  But that does not mean that the other things I saw weren’t true.  That is my point.  I sure took a long time getting here hun?  Sorry for that.  My point is as mothers we want our children to love the Lord and we wonder how much control we really have. Sometimes we might even wonder ,like I have, what’s the point if God already has it all worked out.  The point is God desires to bless us as moms.  We are to see the fruit of our labor.  Maybe not all of us see the fruit every day but we need to look deeper sometimes.  We need to realize that we are blessed to have our children for however long God allows.  We are to show them God and His ways in hope that we will reap what we sow.  I NEVER or RARELY did it “right” with Scott or my other 2 children.  But I was consistent to share Gods love and to “introduce them to God”.  I still try to do that even now.  Even in my funk, I find myself defending God when members of my family feel abandoned.  Scott always used to say I had to add “The Jesus factor”.  That used to annoy me when he would say that.  One because I felt that he should think of it before I had to add it and two because I thought it made me sound like a nag.  Now I am pretty proud to wear that label.  I know I am blessed that I got to see the fruit of what I sowed.  Please keep praying for me and my family.  The anniversary of his death and everyone’s birthdays are all in Nov-Jan.  Thanks for all of the love!

Remember to God be the glory!  Thank You Lord for the 17 years I was Scott’s mom!

Usually I post about my life and God’s grace and mercy.  Today I just hurt!  My heart is broken and I am missing my son so much.  I can not even begin to describe the hurt.  It is emotional and physical, like every breath is an effort and painful.  The tears will not shut off.  No matter how hard I fight them they seem to be winning today. Pouring down my face so I can not see.  My mind is swirling and the questions seem to always be the same.  Why is he gone, do other people miss him also, did he make an impact while he was here, did I love him enough or tell him enough how precious he was to me?  Was I a good mother.  Do people care that he is gone and I am hurting?  Do people understand how painful it is to look in my husbands eyes and see the same gut wrenching pain and not be able to take it away or help him.  Do people understand that I love my other 2 children almost too much?  I seem to be crushing them at times.  I want so much for them to be OK.  I want their lives to be filled with joy not pain.  I am not sure why I am writing this I just know that I hurt!  It does help to share the hurt.  Not for pity but for understanding.  This is my life everyday my son is dead.  Everyday there is pain, some days are better than others.  Everyday God is faithful to love me and keep me in His grasp, even though there are days I fight to be released thinking I could do better on my own.  How foolish my broken heart is.  I know that He is my all in all, the air that I breathe, my comforter, my true grace and mercy!  I do know all of these things and am so very grateful to Him for that.  It’s just today I hurt!!!  

I am so excited.  I have never been tagged before.  Thanks Laurie!

I tag KT ,Cheryl and Briana

FIRST NAME: Donna
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No,but my sister named me. She wanted a brother so she made my middle name Lee
YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Real Turkey Breast
DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, I love to journal

YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey bunches of oats w/almonds
YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?  Dove Chocolate
SHOE SIZE? 8.5. 
RED OR PINK? Both
YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am not slow to speak and quick to listen
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? black jeans, socks my feet are cold!
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Hunter green
FAVORITE SMELL? Old Spice sport that was Scott’s cologne and it reminds me of him. 
FAVORITE DRINK? Plain iced tea extra lemon, although I really want to try Libby’s Miami Vice
HAT SIZE? No idea
FAVORITE FOOD? Steamed crabs, I too am a Maryland girl all the way Laurie.
SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
FAVORITE SOUNDS? these days any sound I hear, when I could hear better I loved the sound of my husband  and children laughing
THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Aruba
WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT?I have been told I am good at drawing information out of people.  I do not see myself as talented at anything
WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? June 24, Baltimore, MD